Environmental Science & Engineering - www.esemag.com - May 2004
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Beatles fan falls for the wrong John

by Tom Davey, Editor
Years ago I worked for an Australian newspaper group. The climate was benign, the pay good and the news room was full of witty characters. When a toilet was stolen from a Methodist Church in North Melbourne, our story ran under the headline; Is nothing sacred? The Australian thief was years ahead of his time. Now it appears that the Liverpool home where John Lennon was raised decades ago, still retains a powerful, if somewhat macabre hold over Beatles‚ devotees. Yoko Ono donated the house to the UK National Trust to become a shrine for Beatles fans who remain passionate about the Fab Four decades after his demise.

A caretaker recently recalled seeing two feet protruding from a bathroom of John Lennon’s former home in Liverpool. He found they belonged to a young woman lying prostrate on the floor, hugging the toilet. She apologized, saying: “I just wanted to be close to John.” The caretaker, obviously a kindly soul, lacked the heart to tell her that the toilet wasn’t the original one. Still, metaphorically speaking, she actually was close to a John of sorts so perhaps her pilgrimage was fulfilled after all.

But there must be something about sanitation systems that evokes bizarre behaviour. Perhaps it’s in the water. Manhole cover thieves have now struck in Milwaukee where The Journal Sentinel reports that thieves have been making off with manhole covers and sewer gratings at alarming rates.Works crews have to rush to cover dangerous holes in roads left by the stolen manhole covers while detectives hunt for the culprits. The Journal Sentinel also reports that these manhole covers, weighing as much as 150 pounds, have become desirable targets because China’s economic boom has resulted in a voracious appetite for scrap metals. Ironically, this has led to underground auctions which have sent the prices to new heights.

Unlikely as this story is, it is not, regrettably, an isolated case. Similar problems are reported from other places as far afield as New Jersey, the Ukraine and the UK. In Gloucester, England, at the time of writing, over 40 manhole covers were reported stolen, causing serious hazards to motorists, according to the highly respectable Guardian newspaper. These are speed bumps with a vengeance. There is the added irony that expensive cars could be reduced to scrap, just so that thieves can make a few bucks, pounds, euros or kopecs, stealing environmental infrastructure components.

There may be linguistic causalities also. Reports of widespread manhole cover thefts will likely reincarnate the wrath of the politically correct high priests of etymology, who in the past, have pounced on gender-specific nomenclature. This led me to posit a new and gender neutral name for manholes, to be reincarnated as Circular Metallurgical Orifices. This new name I feel, will quickly mutate into the acronym CMO and evolve into our written language just as NATO, WHO and the EU became accepted into common usage.

But back to the trenches. How does one fence 150 lb gratings? Do fences pay in hard currency for the heists? If they are caught, will prosecutors say they have a cast iron case? When convicted, will the criminals be put behind iron bars? It is ironic that jails require more iron and steel than any other type of building. When arrested, will the incarceration of manhole thieves - already on three continents at the time of writing - further exacerbate metals’ shortages by building additional prison facilities?

Clearly manhole cover thefts are beyond the grasp of physical weaklings. Traditional smoke filled hangouts of gangsters, for example, are unlikely places for plannning this new type of crime. Police inquiries must take a new and broader vision. For example, has there been a run on steroids or weight lifting equipment? Are detectives looking for suspects with broad shoulders and big biceps? Do they play heavy metal music? It may have taken brains to dream up such bizarre schemes as heisting heavy manhole covers and gratings, but I think brawn was the essential component in the implementation of these crimes.

The toilet incident in John Lennon's former home was humorous, newsworthy and harmless. Thefts of manhole covers and gratings also seem funny at first glance, but very definitely are not harmless. Both literally and metaphorically, manhole cover thefts have opened new and dangerous vistas into underworld activities.

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